I often think about the relationship between wanting someone and wanting to be someone. What is the different between admiration and attraction? Between adoration and appreciation? There is a participatory element in adoration– like so many paintings of Christian iconography. Appreciation is what someone does when they see such a painting. There are spectators to my love for others– I participate in my love for others, but I also spectate on it sometimes too.

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Can one be a participant in a play, act, or performance without others? Unrequited love is a soliloquy– love between two people might be performance, though of this I feel skeptical. Watching a wedding ceremony is a truly gross affair, I mean literally groß, as though a spectacle would imbue psyche with permanence were its dimensions substantial enough. A self-fulfilling prophecy is often revealed as one to its participants in hindsight– weddings seem fake and hideous in their demonstrations of what should have been forever between two people. At this juncture, I feel a pang of affection for A. My interior life has a geography, my ID Card, my fingerprints an external necessity. When I traverse truly on my own thoughts, with an exploration that is not necessarily “deep” but honest, and without deception, I come not to a conclusion of singularity, but a clarification of the pluralities. I love many people. I love them as though without them all I could really love no-one. Perhaps with years, one or more of them will fade in my mind, and I will not be kept awake on a transatlantic flight on Christmas eve by the thought of running my hand along the edge of their neck, or of speaking to them deeply in an honest, dignified manner.

 

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The people I’ve loved and the people I’ve made love with only overlap occasionally. There is some truth to the topic of wanting only what is out of reach, yet an American attitude would uncompromisingly encourage pursuit of that goal nonetheless. “Any port in a storm” so I recently heard. What about “any port with beautiful features, with great trading opportunities”?

I will leave it there, as I have just realised that the sound of my typing is waking up the passenger next to me. I am all for aspirational pursuits, eg writing at 3am, but I do love my fellow neighbor too.

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